Home
I'm sitting here at my Dad's, sipping iced coffee, enjoying the silence, and I'm so TOTALLY dreading going home. I don't know for sure what it is... I guess the thing for me is this: home doesn't mean Chicago. It doesn't necessarily mean Alabama either, but it definitely isn't Chicago. I mean, it isn't as if I feel alienated there. In fact, Chicago makes me feel as if I fit right in with the rest of the population, liberal belief system and all. I love the diversity, the modes of travel, the whole city lifestyle...
The idea of home for me was really kind of smashed to bits when my parents divorced. Home never felt like home after that, and where should I call home? My moms? My dad's? My grandma's? Toledo? Celina? Lindsborg? Lodi? St. Marys? Dayton? Huntsville? Divorce happens, though. Shit happens. It is part of life. But shouldn't everyone have that sense of being home?
My Dad said that he never really felt like anywhere was home, even when he was a child. Maybe it's the same with me. I'm kind of an adventurer too. There are so many places I'd love to live. The west coast, the east coast, Canada, Germany, Africa...
I guess if I had to define home I would say that for me, ideally, it would involve more family around than just Dave and I. In fact, I'm starting to believe that Dave and I NEED to have some family close to us. Then the question, if we were to move is this: Where the hell do we go? Dave's family lives in Pennsylvania, and mine in Alabama, Ohio and Kansas.
It is so hard... I looked at old pictures last night of the Fakes family. This really made me think about home too, because they all grew up in western Kansas and when my Dad was little he was lucky enough to have a zillion cousins to hang out with. He knew all of them very well, and still keeps in touch with most of them. Though he never felt that Jetmore Kansas was really home he at least was able to experience the family thing while he spent his childhood there. He has a solid sense of who he is, where he comes from, and why he has chosen the path in life that he has.
My Great Grandma and Grandpa Fakes had eight children. I think only two of them are still alive and my Grandpa isn't one of them. The fact that I don't even know who remains alive is indicative of the fact that I never really knew them. I never even really knew my Grandpa.
Looking at the pictures made me realize that blood is SO important. I mean, I LOOK like these people, the Fakes's, with their high puffy cheeks, deep eyes, pouty mouths and the like. I wish I knew about every single one of them. Grandpa looks so sad in all of his pictures. He was an intelligent man, but terribly depressed during the latter half of his life. He was a janitor at the high school in Jetmore, and there are all of this pictures with him changing light bulbs and mopping the floors. Always with smile on his face, but I wonder what he really thought about his life. I wish I could have known him. I would have told him that it is all okay, that he needn't be sad. I wonder if his life would have been happier if he would have left Kansas as an adult. I have so many questions!
Anyway, I wonder if I would be as directionless and as hopelessly confused as I am if I had more family around me. I too feel a sense of place being around my Dad. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted. I have a cohort in life that holds much of the same belief system as I, loves the same things, and has basically the same temperament. I feel the same around my Mom.
These things may be too deep to ponder first thing in the morning. I have coffee to drink and a Dad to meet around noon today.
The idea of home for me was really kind of smashed to bits when my parents divorced. Home never felt like home after that, and where should I call home? My moms? My dad's? My grandma's? Toledo? Celina? Lindsborg? Lodi? St. Marys? Dayton? Huntsville? Divorce happens, though. Shit happens. It is part of life. But shouldn't everyone have that sense of being home?
My Dad said that he never really felt like anywhere was home, even when he was a child. Maybe it's the same with me. I'm kind of an adventurer too. There are so many places I'd love to live. The west coast, the east coast, Canada, Germany, Africa...
I guess if I had to define home I would say that for me, ideally, it would involve more family around than just Dave and I. In fact, I'm starting to believe that Dave and I NEED to have some family close to us. Then the question, if we were to move is this: Where the hell do we go? Dave's family lives in Pennsylvania, and mine in Alabama, Ohio and Kansas.
It is so hard... I looked at old pictures last night of the Fakes family. This really made me think about home too, because they all grew up in western Kansas and when my Dad was little he was lucky enough to have a zillion cousins to hang out with. He knew all of them very well, and still keeps in touch with most of them. Though he never felt that Jetmore Kansas was really home he at least was able to experience the family thing while he spent his childhood there. He has a solid sense of who he is, where he comes from, and why he has chosen the path in life that he has.
My Great Grandma and Grandpa Fakes had eight children. I think only two of them are still alive and my Grandpa isn't one of them. The fact that I don't even know who remains alive is indicative of the fact that I never really knew them. I never even really knew my Grandpa.
Looking at the pictures made me realize that blood is SO important. I mean, I LOOK like these people, the Fakes's, with their high puffy cheeks, deep eyes, pouty mouths and the like. I wish I knew about every single one of them. Grandpa looks so sad in all of his pictures. He was an intelligent man, but terribly depressed during the latter half of his life. He was a janitor at the high school in Jetmore, and there are all of this pictures with him changing light bulbs and mopping the floors. Always with smile on his face, but I wonder what he really thought about his life. I wish I could have known him. I would have told him that it is all okay, that he needn't be sad. I wonder if his life would have been happier if he would have left Kansas as an adult. I have so many questions!
Anyway, I wonder if I would be as directionless and as hopelessly confused as I am if I had more family around me. I too feel a sense of place being around my Dad. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted. I have a cohort in life that holds much of the same belief system as I, loves the same things, and has basically the same temperament. I feel the same around my Mom.
These things may be too deep to ponder first thing in the morning. I have coffee to drink and a Dad to meet around noon today.
2 Comments:
At 1:43 PM, July 06, 2005 , Anonymous said...
Cara,
I remember a time when Kristen and I were sitting around in the Blue Goose apartment in Lindsborg. With a drink or two down the gullet we entertained ourselves by flipping through magazines. Kristen happened upon a color photo of a sign that said "Home is where you find it." At the time, it supplied us with a few solid minutes of laughter as we mused about someone passed out drunk under a bush somewhere, clear in their inebriated state that they were cozily in bed.
Since then, and especially since I have lived a slightly nomadic life over the past few years, where my living space certainly wasn't something I would call home, I have come to appreciate that phrase. Now, I realize that home is an experience, a feeling that the walls, trees, light and air of a space are wrapping around you with care and purpose.
Perhaps this is all so fresh, since I will be moving this fall and am all about finding a space that I can call mine, with a feeling of home.
Cheers and Bon Chance finding home.
James
At 5:12 PM, July 14, 2005 , Anonymous said...
Hi Cara, I'm Karen O'Connor. I am your Dad's cousin from Jetmore. I grew up 2 houses away from them. If you would like some of my input on what a joy it was for us growing up with all the relatives around feel free to e-mail me and I would be happy give you my memories of your Grandpa & your Grandma Fakes. And maybe a few comments about your Dad!!! I have some really fond memories about your family. My e-mail is koconnor11@cox.net.
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