8 Down 1 To Go!

Hard to believe it has been a few years since I've posted on this thing!  The dates on my old posts are wrong interestingly.  I believe the last time I posted was 2005 in the Fall, not June of 2006. Oh well.  I'll probably end up deleting my old posts, since well - they are REALLY old news by now!  

So much has happened since I last blogged.  I couldn't possibly tell you all about it, so let's just assume I know you really well and you're aware of the fact that I'm about to have a baby...  Am I right???  I hope so.  Our little boy is due on November 22 (Thanksgiving!), but we are hoping beyond hope that he decides to make an appearance a little earlier than that.  Mama is miserable in her 3rd trimester, and both parents are getting SO impatient about meeting the little guy.  

I don't know if I'll get back into blogging, but I figured that since I'll have some time off of work and I'm sure family and friends will want regular updates, it would be an ideal way to keep in touch.  It'll be a great way to share the million pictures we'll probably take of him the first year too!  

Nostalgia

It was a beautiful Fall evening in the windy city. Leave it to Chicago to throw in a lovely Fall day in the midst a burgeoning hot and humid summer. Yesterday it felt like 85 degrees and today it was jacket weather. I had the heat on in the car this morning.

Anyway, you know that charcoal-y aroma that Fall weather always has? The smell of burning wood, pine, and football games? Yes, that's the evening we had. It never fails to bring me back in time. While I was walking Flo tonight (I might explain Flo in another posting) I was reminded of living in Lindsborg, highschool, college, the seasonal depression that always came in late September, etc. Fall was always such a lonely time for me until the last couple of years. I'm not really sure why. I guess it always signified endings - relationships, summer vacation, sunlight, youth, the marriage of my parents, and for me my energy and spirit.

Over supper Dave and I were marveling at how we continually run in to people we know in Chicago in spite of the fact that it is (I think still, right?) the third largest city in the country. In fact, speaking of nostalgia, on our walk from the car to the apartment tonight I'm 90% certain that I saw an ex-boyfriend from Kansas who I know is now living here. He just happened to be eating at the Cuban restaurant around the corner from our home and just happened to be sitting at the same table where Dave and I had our very first date. Weird. And coincidental. And strange. I don't know if he saw me, but I'm pretty sure he did, and recognized me too. Goodness.

Well, I love Fall now, and it doesn't make me as sad as it used to. Nostalgic, yes, but not sad. In fact I believe it is my favorite season. Chicago Falls for the last couple of years have been incredibly long and lovely, and I've enjoyed them greatly. Today was no exception.

We had supper at one of our new favorite places - Le Creperie (sp?) - went shopping for stuff for Dave's trip to England (he's leaving tomorrow on a work trip), and looked at books at Borders. Now we're back, I walked Flo, contemplated the Fall, and just had a chocolate covered Strawberry! The kitties are needy and I need to help Dave so I'm signing off for now.

Oh Shut Up

Okay, just disregard all the whining I did in the last post. Obviously I was not having a good week, and I had considered deleting what I had written, but one of the areas of personal growth that this blog has helped me with is getting rid of shame. I've always had so much of it, and this little writing exercise has allowed me to rid myself of the shame tethers that usually bind me down. I can write about something, feels ashamed, and then realize later that it is all just a part of me - part of life - something someone out there on this vast planet can relate to at some level - or maybe not even, but can appreciate nonetheless.

Right now I am appreciating the fact that I am almost entirely medication free after being on antidepressants for so long. Thanks to acupuncture, herbs, changing my diet, and the fact that I have wonderful people in my life I am now able to free myself of those tethers too.

It has been a beautiful last couple of weeks. I got to visit my family - my wonderful mother, stepdad, 93 year-old grandmother, and was also able to see my new nephew, Evan, for the first time this month. What a lovely baby boy!!! I've joined a new club, ABC (Asian Bodywork Club), which I absolutely love, and am furthering my massage training in that way. I'm considering also going back to school for Oriental Medicine, which I've been tossing around for a while, but I'm finally doing things like requesting catalogues from schools and talking to people that have gone through that type of schooling. I'm so excited and feeling optimistic about the future!

Our kitties are doing well, everyone is healthy (aside from Dave's seasonal allergies), the weather has been beautiful here in Chicago for the past week, and guess what - I still love living here. I really really do. I get angry at Chicago sometimes, but the truth is there is no place I'd rather be right now. It is my city, and my family is here. I've never loved a place more than I do Chicago. I even love the smelly CTA, the people, the sounds, and all of the uniqe and exciting places and people I'm exposed to every single day of my life. What a blessing.

So don't disregard my last rant, but realize that when I'm emotional about something I can't help but let it come out here, and sometimes when I do things get really exaggerated. What can I say? I never denied being a drama queen!

Annoying Things About Chicago (a p.m.s. rant)

Here's a comprehensive list of things that currently piss me off about living here - OR are just pissing me off in general:

1. The weather and the fact that you never know what to wear - NEVER - because one day it is 45 degrees and the next day it's 80!
2. The fact that every damn spring the construction begins on the streets, apartment buildings, shops, CTA, but especially the streets so driving anywhere absolutely sucks when you think the opposite would be true because it is no longer winter and there is no snow or ice on the ground to prevent free flowing traffic. Oh no! Instead it is a cacophony of jackhammers, drills, bulldozers, and pavers, and the lovely aroma of tar is always hanging thickly in the air.
3. The CTA! The SLOWNESS, RUDENESS, INEPTNESS, and ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE ASS IT IS TO TAKE THE TRAIN OR BUS ANYWHERE IN THIS DAMN CITY!
4. People. I'll break this one down:

How come in a city of millions of people I still run into people I know on the streets? I didn't move here for that. And why are people always sick and hacking up nasty, gagging, phlegmy stuff around me ALL THE FREAKING TIME??? I haven't been sick in probably 2 years so why is everyone else? Well, I can offer an explanation. It might be all of the crap that people eat here - fast food is everywhere. So people are obese (and taking up more than one seat on the bus when I ride it), eat like crap, spread their germs on the CTA and every other public place so that I feel like I constantly have to wash my hands. I have been getting annoyed with children lately - especially really young ones and then the ones in high school. The young ones seem to be increasingly everywhere I go with their shrilly voices, annoying whines, and irresponsible parents. They seem to always be in my way, and if they aren't in my way their parents with the gargantuan strollers are!!! It seems like there are hundreds of children in the apartment building next door to me, and I wonder why it is that their parents seeem to be having more and more and more of them when space seems so limited and kids seem so deprived here already with the fact that schools are unsafe, the streets are unsafe, adults are unsafe, there aren't any yards to play in, parks are unsafe, everything is polluted, including the lake, and it just seems like a really bad time to be breeding in the city or anywhere for that matter. Okay, and then high school kids are just scary here. Maybe it is the same everywhere, but sometimes when I'm walking I run into a posse of them and I swear I feel like checking to see if the lovely CPD are around. They seem to be completely out of control (parents, where are you?) with not enough to do, very poor mastery of the English language, very entitled sense of space (won't move out of your way for nothin' so it forces you to step out of THEIR way), extreme weight problems, very bad acne, very loud, obscene voices, and, I hate to say this, but kids are SMELLY! Okay, I'll conclude my rant within a rant about people with this - Chicago is a racist damn city, and I'm so sick of hearing racist remarks everywhere I go, and then having to endure the results of endless racism by all of the anger and hate and generally bad karma that it spreads! DAMN that's so sad to me! And I should mention that the people that spout racist comments are as diverse as the world we live in. I never hear it coming from just one group - it is EVERYONE.

5. Smoking. People, come on! Why the hell is this still going on? I endure the stench of it almost everywhere I go, and guess what - I'm so allergic to it now that I break out in hives when it I'm forced to breathe it. Get a life! (Now I should mention, speaking of karma, this is probably biting me in the ass now because of all of those years I smoked like crazy and people had to put up with MY nasty habit!)

6. Noise. Lawnmowers, weed wackers, cars, horns, motorcycles, skateboards, planes, trains, shouting, screaming, dogs barking, kids, etc. etc. etc. I want peace!

7. Litter. I saw a nice little old lady throw her empty cookie wrapper on the ground next to me while I was waiting for the bus today. Right in front of my face like she was proud of it. I felt like saying something, but I've learned the hard way that you choose your battles, and it just wasn't worth it. I should've picked it up, though.

8. Robbery - my car stereo was stolen AGAIN from my car - the window smashed out AGAIN, and my ipod stolen by some band of idiots in my own neighborhood. Fuck.

9. Don't even get me started about animal abuse, and the stuff I've been hearing about lately in the news and at the shelters.

10. Driving. People drive like shit. It is SO damn dangerous I can't even believe I still do it, of course I'm forced to do it for work, but I hope someday to give it up altogether.

11. Okay, I think I'm almost done, I just needed to vent. It's that time of the month, and I'm tired of keeping all of this to myself so I thought I'd come home today and spread my love. Let's see if I can come up with one more - oh yeah! The smells! I smell a lot of smelly smells doing the work I do, but it doesn't matter because they are everywhere. Car exhaust, doggie doo, children, b.o., cigarettes, alcohol, tar, garbage, and did people stop brushing their teeth because lately it seems like hallitosis is running rampant in our city - like people eat turd burgers with onions for lunch and then decide to ride the CTA - vomitous!!!

Okay, rant's over. Thanks for listening.

4 Years? No way!

Four year ago today - tax day - Dave Dever and I met each other for the first time! This is sort of what we consider our "real" anniversary as the day is so clear in both of our minds (in spite of the fact I just posted a wedding photo of us) and involved none of the stress of worrying that a wedding day was going to go smoothly. I just can't believe it was already four years ago! I'm proud of us! Of course I had forgotten all about it until I looked at my cell phone today and saw April 15. Then I was like, "oh my God!" But the Dever didn't remember either, so I can't feel too bad :) He is working today, and I'm waiting for him to get home so that we can do something fun.

We watched Capote last night. You have to understand that In Cold Blood is one of my favorite books of all time, so I was rather shocked at the way the film portrayed Capote - not in a favorable light AT ALL. I didn't realize the extent to which he exploited his relationship with Perry Smith and Dick Hickock. It was SO sad to me. But the acting was good, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman was difficult to stomach as usual, which of course made the fact that he was cast as Capote a perfect fit.

Anyway, I got up early this morning, massaged my friend Amy at her house, ate lunch with Ken and Amy at Bad Dog, walked around Lincoln Square, took a nap, and now I'm writing on this stupid thing again. Sigh.

All that worrying for nothin'

So I didn't have to volunteer tonight because there weren't any clients booked for me. I was relieved, but also kinda disappointed, as I'm eager to get started!

Now I'm home doing mindless stuff on the computer as usual, listening to music, sweating in our hot apartment, and drinking hot tea - oh, maybe that's why I'm sweating! Anyway, it was a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the temperature was in the 70's, and I got to have lunch with my friend, Ken, who I hadn't seen since he returned from his trip to Guatemala. I love spending time with friends, and it seems like it happens so infrequently. I'm also always bitching about not having friends, but I tell ya, the few I have are just wonderful!

Dave and I also had something kind of exciting come up, which I absolutely can't talk about (no, I'm not pregnant!), but which is exciting nonetheless, so please keep your fingers crossed for us! I promise to let you know what its all about as soon as I can!

I'm reading a good book right now called Gilead. I'm also studying for the national exam for massage, and re-visiting a great book called Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom, which I read a few years ago, but is totally speaking to me now. It helps me understand the problems I've had with p.m.s. a little better, and gives me advice on how to heal spiritually.

So I'm contented in our stuffy little apartment, listening to Joe Strummer, drinking tea, and warding off Harrison who keeps throwing himself on my mouse pad!

fear of the unknown = no sleep

Lately I keep hearing and seeing in various places, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I used to think that was pretty good advice, but I have to say, at what cost? I'm filled with anxiety over my new volunteering gig that starts tonight at a local spa. Hence I'm awake at 2:20 a.m. following a dream-laden sweaty sleep on the futon with Douglas Fur. I think I was dreaming about being an EMT, and also about being out in the woods jogging with a newborn baby in a carriage and a cell phone in tow. I'm going to be massaging women with breast cancer. Um, great and all, but geez am I a nervous wreck! And I'll be doing this today on top of a full work day and a shitty night's sleep. Luckily it is only for one massage tonight, but my commitment is, I believe 4 hours of massages per month for three months at least. I'm sure after I finish with the first one I'll feel better. Anyway, if you're reading this, please wish me luck, and a better night's sleep tonight.

And then some...

Okay, I have no idea why I chose that title to my post. It was the first phrase that came into my mind so I'll go with it... I guess that's how it has felt today. Just when it seems like things are going really crappy, and I'm stressed out, angry, and my work load is too big for the day something ELSE happens to add to it all. But that something else isn't necessarily bad. It's kind of miraculous, really. It feels like something you can't quite describe with words, yet you know its there and that its important. It is a subtle shifting of energy away from the things of the world - the objects, people, thoughts, emotions, tasks, demands, and noise - and into otherness. I caught glimpses of it throughout the day: a baby bird just out of the nest trying to hide from me behind the edge of a windowpane of a storefront. He was too weak yet to fly, but smart enough to know that he needed to protect himself. Yet he didn't seem afraid. He knew I wouldn't hurt him. Then I saw it again in the smile of the cashier at Pita Inn where we had dinner. He was so joyful at his register with his accent and silly little hat on! I wanted to talk to him about how AMAZING the mint iced tea is there! Instead I just smiled back. I saw it in the eyes of a client. I saw trust. I saw beauty and goodness. I saw my reflection in those eyes - just for a moment. And finally I felt it towards the end of giving Dave a massage when I do my favorite myofascial work on the head and neck. I got lost in it, with my eyes closed, and I was startled at the sound of Dave snoring when I thought that he was consciously moving his head around and around, slowly, yet too quickly I thought, and from side to side. He was asleep! Something else was moving him! Its the otherness that I believe keeps me going. It is God, I suppose. The Tao, the Universe, the space in between. When you don't see it or aren't open to it you forget that its there. When you ask to be shown it seems to always reveal itself. Though not right away, and always when you least expect it. And then you feel whole - just long enough to know what it is that you're after and that its always been there. And then we forget again.