Spiritual Overhaul

I need a drive-through spirituality garage. I need a tune up here, a surge of radical thinking here, some easy truths, some definite morality, and a self-flagellator for repentence. Seriously now, I'm either going to start attending daily local cult meetings or I'm going to travel the country saying the "Jesus Prayer" over and over like in Franny and Zooey. I'm lost I'm lost!

I can't be Lutheran. I grew up Lutheran. I can't be Catholic. I am pro-choice and too feminist. I can't be any other mainstream religion, because if I were I'd have to choose Lutheranism because it would be too hard to start from scratch with anything else. I've tried Buddhism - I can't meditate for hours on end, and I kill snails and mosquitos. I don't like paganism because their art sucks and some of them do weird shit like animal sacrifice. I've tried throwing myself into yoga. It isn't enough. I need more human interaction - or is it less? I don't know.

Why do I have this need? Why does anyone? We all do, though. Some of us join PETA. Some of us devote our lives to animal or human welfare. Some of us overly indulge in addictive substances. Some of us convert. Some of us like church. Others can't hack it, but can't hack being a member of any other group either, but STILL NEED THAT SOMETHING. Some of us ignore that we need anything and live in our heads. Some of us see the world in black and white and live by our own strict codes of ethics. Some of us live through art because if we were faced with too much practicality or responsibility we would seem to ourselves deficient. Some of us become "radical" feminists or leftists or communists or something radical because if we didn't we wouldn't have anything else would we? We wouldn't know who we were.

I know I'm rambling and probably upsetting people so I'll stop now.