Would I Miss This?

Late night in Kitty Moon, a smoky, very down-tempo, though recently re-opened and re-modeled bar in Rogers Park... There's a woman with buzzed hair and a blue tutu walking around. Another man is bald with red make-up down the right side of his face. He's wearing a suit. He calls himself "Mr. Fuckhead". The woman in the tutu is here with her husband, and they've both been trained in classical music in Russia, and have played in the Moscow symphony.

My co-workers are sitting around chatting, all looking good in their after-Tree House-hours wear. No one over-drinks. Coronas are only $3, but they are quickly replaced by water. The bar isn't crowded, and there's plenty of seating for all. I'm sitting on a couch next to Jenny who's taking notes on the performance of her boyfriend, Ollie. Ollie is singing about everything under the sun with his assertive guitar and a voice that holds it's own. He doesn't need a band for back-up. He's perfect as he is.

In between Ollie, there is Hillary, a 21-year old who writes poems about her life. She's young and cute up there, wearing her heart on her sleeve. Ollie backs her up with guitar.

After Ollie we leave. Both of us are feeling like we haven't lived here well enough. We don't do these things often enough. Our talent sits in our two-bedroom apartment amidst cables strewn about, and an easel that has had the same painting on it for eight months. Where are our groupies? Who supports our passions? There's one here, one there, no one knows each other, they just come over every now and then with concerns of their own.

I'm torn between wanting to live by my family and wanting to stay in a city with so many opportunities and so much diversity that one can choose to be as much or as little as they can. I tell Dave that we need family to bolster us. We are so alone here. He tells me that we need to learn how to live here before we can live anywhere else. He says maybe family should come to us since we typically show up for them. He's right. I'm right.

I bring up the concern about us both being so directionless. Wait, isn't that part of life? But what about the groupies? What about having something to believe in? Where does our energy go? Why can't it be more focused on one area instead of spread thin by all of our interests and not enough time? What do we really want? What do we need?

I guess it's time to start living more. Living in spite of all of the problems, and living confidently. Trying new things, bringing our passions to light, loving each other and our cats. Not being ashamed or feeling as if we need to conform to what "everyone else" has or does.

I just hope and pray that things will become clearer as time passes.