4 Years? No way!

Four year ago today - tax day - Dave Dever and I met each other for the first time! This is sort of what we consider our "real" anniversary as the day is so clear in both of our minds (in spite of the fact I just posted a wedding photo of us) and involved none of the stress of worrying that a wedding day was going to go smoothly. I just can't believe it was already four years ago! I'm proud of us! Of course I had forgotten all about it until I looked at my cell phone today and saw April 15. Then I was like, "oh my God!" But the Dever didn't remember either, so I can't feel too bad :) He is working today, and I'm waiting for him to get home so that we can do something fun.

We watched Capote last night. You have to understand that In Cold Blood is one of my favorite books of all time, so I was rather shocked at the way the film portrayed Capote - not in a favorable light AT ALL. I didn't realize the extent to which he exploited his relationship with Perry Smith and Dick Hickock. It was SO sad to me. But the acting was good, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman was difficult to stomach as usual, which of course made the fact that he was cast as Capote a perfect fit.

Anyway, I got up early this morning, massaged my friend Amy at her house, ate lunch with Ken and Amy at Bad Dog, walked around Lincoln Square, took a nap, and now I'm writing on this stupid thing again. Sigh.

All that worrying for nothin'

So I didn't have to volunteer tonight because there weren't any clients booked for me. I was relieved, but also kinda disappointed, as I'm eager to get started!

Now I'm home doing mindless stuff on the computer as usual, listening to music, sweating in our hot apartment, and drinking hot tea - oh, maybe that's why I'm sweating! Anyway, it was a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the temperature was in the 70's, and I got to have lunch with my friend, Ken, who I hadn't seen since he returned from his trip to Guatemala. I love spending time with friends, and it seems like it happens so infrequently. I'm also always bitching about not having friends, but I tell ya, the few I have are just wonderful!

Dave and I also had something kind of exciting come up, which I absolutely can't talk about (no, I'm not pregnant!), but which is exciting nonetheless, so please keep your fingers crossed for us! I promise to let you know what its all about as soon as I can!

I'm reading a good book right now called Gilead. I'm also studying for the national exam for massage, and re-visiting a great book called Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom, which I read a few years ago, but is totally speaking to me now. It helps me understand the problems I've had with p.m.s. a little better, and gives me advice on how to heal spiritually.

So I'm contented in our stuffy little apartment, listening to Joe Strummer, drinking tea, and warding off Harrison who keeps throwing himself on my mouse pad!

fear of the unknown = no sleep

Lately I keep hearing and seeing in various places, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I used to think that was pretty good advice, but I have to say, at what cost? I'm filled with anxiety over my new volunteering gig that starts tonight at a local spa. Hence I'm awake at 2:20 a.m. following a dream-laden sweaty sleep on the futon with Douglas Fur. I think I was dreaming about being an EMT, and also about being out in the woods jogging with a newborn baby in a carriage and a cell phone in tow. I'm going to be massaging women with breast cancer. Um, great and all, but geez am I a nervous wreck! And I'll be doing this today on top of a full work day and a shitty night's sleep. Luckily it is only for one massage tonight, but my commitment is, I believe 4 hours of massages per month for three months at least. I'm sure after I finish with the first one I'll feel better. Anyway, if you're reading this, please wish me luck, and a better night's sleep tonight.

And then some...

Okay, I have no idea why I chose that title to my post. It was the first phrase that came into my mind so I'll go with it... I guess that's how it has felt today. Just when it seems like things are going really crappy, and I'm stressed out, angry, and my work load is too big for the day something ELSE happens to add to it all. But that something else isn't necessarily bad. It's kind of miraculous, really. It feels like something you can't quite describe with words, yet you know its there and that its important. It is a subtle shifting of energy away from the things of the world - the objects, people, thoughts, emotions, tasks, demands, and noise - and into otherness. I caught glimpses of it throughout the day: a baby bird just out of the nest trying to hide from me behind the edge of a windowpane of a storefront. He was too weak yet to fly, but smart enough to know that he needed to protect himself. Yet he didn't seem afraid. He knew I wouldn't hurt him. Then I saw it again in the smile of the cashier at Pita Inn where we had dinner. He was so joyful at his register with his accent and silly little hat on! I wanted to talk to him about how AMAZING the mint iced tea is there! Instead I just smiled back. I saw it in the eyes of a client. I saw trust. I saw beauty and goodness. I saw my reflection in those eyes - just for a moment. And finally I felt it towards the end of giving Dave a massage when I do my favorite myofascial work on the head and neck. I got lost in it, with my eyes closed, and I was startled at the sound of Dave snoring when I thought that he was consciously moving his head around and around, slowly, yet too quickly I thought, and from side to side. He was asleep! Something else was moving him! Its the otherness that I believe keeps me going. It is God, I suppose. The Tao, the Universe, the space in between. When you don't see it or aren't open to it you forget that its there. When you ask to be shown it seems to always reveal itself. Though not right away, and always when you least expect it. And then you feel whole - just long enough to know what it is that you're after and that its always been there. And then we forget again.

Liver Cheese

After my second acupuncture/hypnotherapy treatment I feel the need to reflect and write. Also I'm starting to realize that people really do miss reading my posts when I skip a few days so here goes...

I don't actually want to write much about the actual acupuncture and hypnosis session. Somehow it's private, but I do think all of this Chinese Medicine stuff is fascinating, and I'm still obsessing over what's yin or yang, what's good for me, what's not, and so on. I'm finally starting to feel normal again after last month, which was an emotional rollercoaster - a "healing crisis" perhaps, during which my body starts to react to becoming "unstuck" after all these years.

I have stagnant Liver Qi (pronounced "chee"), or as my co-worker thought I described it - "Liver Cheese". This can happen due to unfulfilling one's desires. I suppose that would adequately describe me - of course if you were to ask me what my desires are I couldn't answer you. I've never really known. Well, maybe as a kid I knew, but as an adult I seem hopelessly confused and directionless. I guess that's how stuck my Cheese is.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good after today's session - a little guilty perhaps at taking the time away from work to do this (I took the morning off) for myself, but good nonetheless. It also feels great to have an acupuncturist who I feel really cares about me as a person, unlike most medical doctors and therapists that I've had.

So that's all I have to say for now. I had some green veggies for dinner, some vitamins and herbs, and am now drinking peppermint tea. Just what the acupuncturist ordered!