Still Anxious

I'm sitting here agonizing about what I'm going to write about in the blog today, and I realized that I'm STILL feeling slightly too anxious to function normally. Like I said in my last entry I don't feel like writing when I'm bummed for any reason.

Yesterday I gave notice at Tree House, and I didn't feel very good about it. I wish it could've worked out better than it did. I talked to the executive director, the one that hired me, but I didn't get a chance to tell my immediate supervisor because she wasn't there. I'm worried about her the most. I hate disappointing people, and I'm so afraid that she will be mad at me.

Out of guilt mostly, but also because I've been meaning to do it for quite some time, I took an hour and folded a HUGE mound of laundry that always sits in the hallway upstairs at Tree House. No one has time to deal with it, so I folded the entire thing.

So yesterday I moped around the house, couldn't figure out why I was in such a "mood", then I realized that I'm pretty down about the whole job thing. I still am, which makes it difficult for me to write.

I'm so concerned all of the time about what people think of me. I can't seem to let it go. I'm such a people-pleaser, and I can barely stand it when people are upset with me. This is a problem in my life, and it has led to other, more serious problems, I think.

When I was a child I never got into trouble in school. A couple of times I was mistakenly accused of something I didn't do, was punished by the teacher, and I was DEVASTATED. Later on in high school I think that I sought out trouble in more sinister ways in order to act out my anger at always feeling like I had to be perfect. Boy did I take that to the nth degree! The typical pastor's kid syndrome I guess.

As an adult I still fall into the thought pattern that I need to please please please. If I feel like I'm not being rewarded for this, then I believe that I subconsiously, again, act out my anger, but it usually gets misplaced and comes out in places that I feel it's safe to let it go - home for example - towards my husband, for example.

How's that for a little psychology first thing in the morning? And what's so great about blogs is that I can be totally selfish and write about me me me and it is perfectly okay. And if you don't like to read it then you don't have to! I could write about global concerns, which I sometimes do, but the truth is I'm narcissistic like everyone else and damnit this blog is going to be ME centered!

Okay I'm finished analyzing myself. I'm going to finish my coffee and stew.