Sad

I'm literally rendered speechless when I contemplate the mass devastation in the world these past few days. What can I say? What can anyone say? Hundreds (thousands?) killed in Iraq today, and hundreds (thousands?) dead from a natural disaster in our own country. I just feel like crying when I turn on the tv or radio, yet I want to hear what is happening, what is being done, what I can do.

I visited New Orleans for the first time a year ago May. It didn't take long to fall in love with the Big Easy and all of its grandeur and oddities. It was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and I look upon those days fondly. To think about it never being the same place again is heartbreaking to say the least. I think about all of the wonderful people that lived and worked and thrived there. Some, though homeless, are fortunate to be alive, but I think of all of the others that are suffering SO MUCH right now because help can't arrive in time. I think especially of the elderly and infirm, the animals, the babies, and the ones who never really had a chance...

I think of all of the beauty that that place represents for me - the landscape, the streetcars, the sounds, smells, the blanket of heat that somehow didn't seem so bad. I think about special times with friends and the way those relationships have evolved, also never to be the same again, yet remain still very profound influences on my life. It doesn't make me want to change anything, and it is impossible to go back to the way things used to be, but in a way I see this as kind of a metaphor for what is really important. Do we hold on to the way things used to be, ever pining for that same place, feeling, relationship? Do we analyze to see what went wrong? Why the levees broke? Who to blame? Or do we pick up from where we are left with what we have? Isn't it best to be grateful for the memories and to move on as stronger people? I don't know. (I also don't know what I am talking about, but oh well.)

I know I'm being horribly depressing, but things like this affect me to such a great extent I could think of nothing else to do but to write about it briefly here.

This takes me back to how I felt when the Tsunami last Christmas. I just felt so helpless and so wanting to be there, to do something...

Helen!

She's home! I brought her home yesterday around 4:00 p.m. from Tree House. She is currently residing in our "middle room" the middle bedroom in our apartment. Dave has all of his synthesizers, keyboards, computers and CDs in there. She made herself right at home and starting purring as soon as she was out of the box. I made a little bed for her by the open windows so she can watch what goes on in the courtyard of our building. She loves sitting by the windows.

Helen is on several medications. She has a grade 3 heart murmur which is indicative of heart disease and she has feline herpes. I have to "pill" her twice a day, which isn't much fun for either one of us, but I'm getting better at it. She takes Lysine for herpes which is crushed and sprinkled on her food. That isn't so hard to do.

Anyway, she's beautiful and seems very healthy and happy in her new home. She has the softest fur ever and a cute little mew. She likes chewing on cat toys and playing with the cat dancer. She seems so comfortable and relaxed in the middle room, and is very affectionate whenever we go in there to visit her. She is curious about the other cats, but doesn't seem to be too bothered by them.

However, earlier this evening we chanced it and let her out because Harrison has been VERY eager to meet her. The initial introduction seemed to go well. Helen was more interested in exploring than she was in Harry, but he followed her anyway. The moment we stopped supervising them they got into a MAJOR scuffle and I believe that Harrison bit her. Neither cat was hurt, but Helen screamed very loudly and shook her head as if trying to get rid of his bite. We think that Harrison pounced on her because he tends to do this with the other girls sometimes. It is his way of asserting dominance. He knows he's not supposed to do that, however, and therefore we need to supervise constantly the next time we let Helen out.

I'm pretty bummed about that last incident after things seemed to be going so well. We're just going to start over with the introductions. I'm giving Helen lots of time away from the other cats in the middle room.

So I'll stop for now. Please send us good vibes and keep little Helen and the others in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

Fur Coat Dream

Okay, I was going to stop with just the one post for today, but after contemplation I just couldn't let this dream go un-written about. Last night I dreamt that I was shopping downtown at a mall called the Fox Center or something like that, and as I walked through one of the department stores I was handed a free fur coat. Now I was impressed that the coat was a freebie, but mortified at the fact that as soon as I recieved it I put it on and LOVED it! It was all white, and to make matters worse it was made out of the skin of those poor baby animals, I can't remember which, that are yanked from their mother's wombs before they are born so that their fetal skin can be used for some really soft kind of leather. Now that's for real. That really does happen, but in my dream the coat was furry, not leather.

For those that don't know this about me I DO NOT WEAR FUR, AND FEEL THAT ALL CLOTHING, ACCESSORIES, ETC. MADE OUT OF THE FUR OF ANIMALS SHOULD BE BANNED.

But damn I loved this white coat. I wore it on the el on the way home from Fox Center, and wore it to meet my friend, Jenny, who works at Tree House. It kept me warm and made me feel special. I was particularly ashamed that Jenny was to see me in this coat, as she feels the same way about fur as I do, but surprisingly Jenny told me that I should keep the coat as it looked beautiful on me. I even tried to give it to her so that she could splash red paint on it like PETA does, but she refused.

Then Jenny and I went shopping at another mall. I didn't have any money, but Jenny wanted to buy some stuff so I tagged along, wearing my coat all the while. I ran into some C4 people at the store who commented on my coat, asking how much it cost, where I got it, and who designed it. I told them it was free, and they looked at the label "Henri Bendel" it said, and told me that the coat was way out of their league. It turns out that it was multiple thousands of dollars. Isn't Bendel a real designer?

Toward the end of our shopping trip I ended up in an elevator with some store lady telling me she would have to call security on me. I didn't do anything wrong so I assumed that she thought that I stole the coat. I had to stay in the elevator until security was called. In the elevator with me were about five REALLY TALL WOMEN in their mid forties or fifties. They were all mocking me and I was really angry at them and we yelled at each other the whole time. They were rich, snotty women, who didn't like the fact that I had this coat. Anyway, I was cleared by security and allowed to leave.

Next I went to Tree House where Jenny was starting her shift. However, Tree House wasn't Tree House but a shoe store with really beautiful sandals. The women in the store kept encouraging me to try the shoes on, saying flattering things about the way they looked on me. I enjoyed this part of my dream very much, and found some great shoes.

While all this was happening a large building in Chicago, The Fed Ex Building, was being bombed out, and there was mass chaos in the city.

Now interpret that folks.

Self Esteem (or lack thereof)

One of the aspects of deciding to be happy is making a conscious effort to improve my self-esteem. This seems to be the most difficult challenge for me, and has been all of my life I'm afraid. I am my own worst critic, harshest judge, and toxic friend. To address these issues forces me to consciously, sometimes every few minutes of every day, catch myself in negative thought patterns - mostly involving self-criticism - and turning those thoughts into something else.

I've decided, noticing how other people tend to do this on a regular basis, that it is okay to toot my own horn on this blog. I've never been much of a braggart, and I don't want to turn into one, but there is definitely a difference between noting your achievements, assets, etc. in writing and letting the ego burst through to announce its ever threatened presence to the blog community. My post about clinic yesterday was a challenge for me. I find it hard to even announce the significant, life-changing achievements, let alone the smaller ones. Maybe I'll try noting, at least once a day, something positive about myself.

Here's a start: My hair looks good today even though I washed it last night and slept on it while it was still wet. The curls are all crazy, but somehow it works. They're all springy and bouncy and falling in my face. The back of my head is full and poufy. Fun hair!

Okay, that's all for today.

Student Clinic

I passed my clinic entrance exam last night! I will start student clinic next week, I think, and for several months I'll work on real clients. I was happy with mock clinic last night, as I massaged a classmate, Nathan, for fifty five minutes, it had to be timed to the last minute, and I had to remember all of the little details like bolstering and draping properly, asking the right questions, and making the massage flow. I think I did very well considering the fact that I haven't worked on anyone other than my husband in a long time (aside from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law a couple of weeks ago). I was also able to get a massage last night, and it has been quite a while since I've had one of my own! I will have clinic every Thursday afternoon.

It'll be nice to work on people that I don't know. I'm interested in meeting new bodies and experiencing the gift of being able to help people feel wonderful. That's what I like about massage - there isn't much you can do that people won't like. Being touched is so important, and considering the fact that our culture is so touch deprived any little touch if applied with genuine attention and caring can go a long way.

Elias, my massage teacher, told me the other day that he sees me as a healer. He thinks that I should try to combine my experience in social work with that of massage. He gave me a card of a woman who does just that in the buliding where he has his private practice. She is an LMT and an LCSW. I was very flattered that he said that and I would have to agree. I see me as a healer too. Nothing makes me happier than helping people, making them feel better.

So I'm eager to finish school. We are already at the halfway point, and by the end of February I should graduate. I can't believe how quickly it has gone by! I'm so happy that I made the decision to pursue massage therapy. I think it is SO appropriate for me, and I love it.

A Big Loss

I've been putting off writing about how much I'm going to miss my favorite show, Six Feet Under, because it is just too damn depressing that its over. I really like most of HBO's original series, but I do believe that Six Feet Under was my favorite. (Carnivale a close second.)

Sunday was the series finale, and a dry eye was not to be had. I really think that the writers of this show are geniuses and its so refreshing to know that good television still exists - albeit not very often - but it is out there.

For those of you that aren't familiar with the Fisher family from Six Feet Under, the basic premise is that two of the Fisher sons, David and Nate, run the funeral home that was left to them after their father died. The funeral home is attached to their house, where their mother, Ruth, and younger sister, Claire, reside. At the beginning of each episode someone dies - usually a random stranger, but the corpse inevitably ends up at Fisher and Sons for funeral preparations. The death sets the stage for each episode. The wonderful thing is, though, that the show is more about the lives of the Fishers than the drama that surrounds each death. We are taken through marriages, break-ups, Claire going to art school, Nate's fiance cheating on him, David's being gay, and Ruth's painfully real existence as a widow with children. My favorite character is actually not a Fisher, but a close family friend, Brenda. Brenda was a massage therapist, but as the series progresses she changes her career to a psychotherapist. Kinda the opposite of what I'm doing. Anyway, Brenda is played by Rachel Griffiths, who is an amazing actress (check out Muriel's Wedding). Brenda is a very tragic character, but with such a good heart!

I can't tell you how much I'm going to miss my Sunday nights with the Fishers.

I Have Choices

I'm making a decision today. I'm deciding to be happy. A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that she, one day, decided to do the same thing. I've always admired that, wondered if that was really possible, and doubted that I'd ever be able to do the same. Well after thirty years of life experiences I can honestly say that I am somewhat of an expert at this thing we call living, and I know what makes me happy. I also know that I can decide to be happy within myself in spite of ALL obstacles that inevitably fall into our path during this journey. Because happiness really does come from within, not without, and that place can never be disturbed by outside influences. It is our essence. The essence of a flower isn't gone until the flower dies. Same with us.

I was "smudged" yesterday by my massage teacher, Elias. A classmate, Eric, and I visited Elias's private practice to work out kinks in our massaging before we begin student clinic. This smudging is a shamanic ritual that involves standing with your eyes closed, having someone stand behind you to "hold space" and then having the shaman (teacher/healer) burn very aromatic incense over you and wave it all over your body with a feather. I would like to think that my new attitude today is a result of this healing ritual. I don't think that having someone concentrate their caring attention on you can EVER hurt, so I'm grateful, at least, for that.

I've been bothered very deeply lately by stuff outside of my control. I believe that this has caused me to revert back to some old habits, namely negative thought patterns, that used to cause me to be unhealthy. I'm going to decide today to turn that around, and to be serene and accepting no matter what is going on in this crazy world of ours.

Wiped

I went out with some friends from C4 last night. We stayed up WAY too late, and had fun, but my gosh I'm getting too old for this! My bedtime needs to be no later than 11:30, and I need my eight hours of beauty rest on a nightly basis. I'm one of those people, I think, that function much better on regularity and routine. I tend to do better when I can engage in "rituals" such as getting into the habit of making the bed in the mornings, going to bed at 10:30 then reading for an hour, stopping by the same coffee place at 7:45 each day, and taking my lunch at 12:00 sharp.

Perhaps it is time for me to stop going out in the evenings altogether. There is plenty to do with friends on the weekends and right after work. I don't need to pull all-nighters with people anymore. I was just preaching to my dad about not pushing himself to the limits of what his body can handle. I could use some of my own advice.

I'm getting ready to buckle down and study, so that I can say that I did something productive today. I have two new fascinating books from school that I'm looking forward to sinking my teeth into!

Life

One of the main aspects of life is, of course, death. It seems like life and death have been unbelievably vivid this month. Peter Jennings, Grandma Hummel, and two of my Bethany classmates in one week. (I mention Peter because I really liked him, and did feel pretty sad to hear of his passing.) That same week I watched a baby being born, who then this week almost died (but didn't thank God). Geez. I watched blood clots the size of golf balls being pulled from a c-section incision that had been gaping open after not having properly healed, and believe me there is nothing like lots o' clotted blood and gaping wounds to get you thinking about what we're made of! Luckily my client with the c-section is okay too.

Two of my Bethany colleagues, Shawn Bergstrom and Dinah Bergstrom (Bollinger) died last week in a car crash. They were both very beloved Bethanians and there are many many people grieving right now because of their deaths. I've been browsing through articles on the web and a website that was set up specifically for them almost every day because I just can't believe it. I mean, I wasn't even very close friends with either of them, but I still feel a huge sense of communal loss. Many of my friends at the time were pretty close to them and everyone at the school knew them well. How can they be gone just like that?

So life has been hitting pretty hard. We're feeling the onset of Fall already, that notion that it's time to get settled in to another change in season. The weather is still bloody hot, but the Fall feeling is descending. We still haven't brought Helen home. There is some question now as to whether that will ever happen. She doesn't like other cats much. That's a big concern. She's doing fine medically, however. Our usual cat-sitter, Kate, just e-mailed about a stray that showed up on her doorstep. She's hoping we can help with this one either on our own or through Tree House. He's a gorgeous orange tabby with white patches. Sigh. We feel the desire to nuture, to love and protect. Cats, not Kids - our new motto. Help the overpopulation problem of humans and cats by adopting, spaying and neutering, and by not producing other humans! Hee hee!

Tomorrow is Friday. Saturday is volunteer time at Tree House for both Dave and I. Dave is helping with some problems they've been having with their Mac. computer. I will pet cats in the isolation wards. Sunday we will go to church (we're trying the Episcopal church around the corner - All Saints). Later in the day on Sunday I will practice massage at my massage teacher, Elias's, private practice. We start student clinic in a couple of weeks. Monday is back to the ol' grind, which, by the way I'm liking quite a bit. 9-5 is way undervalued!

All for now. Back to livin'.

Clubbin' with the Cat People

Dave and I are going to Soniteque this evening, a club in River North, to listen to Indian Bangra music with our friends from Tree House. I could use a little dancin' time after the day I've had. Long long day at work!!! I was at Rush Northshore Hospital for about eight hours today... Yuck.

So we're getting ready to hit the town. It has been a very long time since I've been to a club so I'm looking forward to this. I think I'm going to like the music too.

Dave's grandmother was buried on Saturday. The funeral was lovely and it was nice to see the family. I gave my sister and mother-in-law massages. They seemed to be happy with them.

School continues to go well. I start student clinic in a couple of weeks so I'll get to work on real clients.

Nate and Dad just got back from NYC. They celebrated Nate's b-day there.

Okay, all for now. One of these days I'll get some real writing done!

Quick Check-In

I've been way too busy to blog lately. I've had a business plan to write for school, a tough work caseload and schedule, and we just learned that Dave's grandmother died so we will be going to Pennsylvania for the weekend for her funeral.

On the brighter side I watched a baby being born this week via c-section. She was three months premature, but doing fine. Mom is fine too. She's a client of mine. It was very special. I love my job.

Helen had her ultrasound and has a double-heart murmur. She may need medication, but I don't know all of the details yet. It isn't dire, and I'm bringing her home next week!

Hotter than Hades still in Chicago, but we're managing.

I'll be back to bloggin' soon, but need some time to decompress...

Ebb and Flow

I had my second class of craniosacral therapy last night. I've never had to sense someone's internal rhythms before. We are supposed to sense the actual movement of the cerebrospinal fluid through the dura mater (the outer membrane of the spinal cord and brain), and try to pick up on any imbalances between the right and left side of the bodies. These imbalances could indicate "restrictions" of the dural movement which can be the result of any number of medical problems. The key is to lock into the rhythms and to "release" the restrictions by focusing our intention and awareness and applying a nickel's weight of pressure on the various cranial "diaphragms" which are located throughout the body. Fascinating. Very difficult.

It is interesting how the left brain tries to tell you while you are trying to be aware and present while touching someone that you what you are trying to sense and feel is baloney. My left brain actually interjected at one point and said to me, "It's just a dead piece of meat". That is when I realized how much our own minds try to sabotage feeling sensitive and aware and tuning in to really know what is going on in the world. We were taught how to have conversations with our left brains about taking a break and allowing the right brain to take over for a while. This was interesting.

So what did I feel? I felt very subtle, wave-like motions. It felt like there was much more movement in some places than in others. In a few of the "listening stations" on the body I didn't feel anything, but then when I allowed this to be okay I began to feel the subtle movement again. It is barely perceptible, but if you allow yourself to be present you can feel it. It is so hard to be present when the left brain says such things!

Anyway, I want to learn more about this therapy. There are many components to it and to actually be able to practice it professionally I would need to become certified, which I may do. It involves a lot of intuition and careful attention, which I find I'm able to do well.

Other than that it has been a marathon week with work and school. I found one of my homeless clients housing yesterday, which felt great. I'm glad its Friday and that I have the weekends off again.

Dog Days

The air feels like a thick wool blanket that has been soaked in steaming lake water. There is an ozone alert and they're encouraging us to try to avoid breathing while outdoors (what the?). I'm sitting in my light weight skirt - the ONLY one that fits me, waiting to take the train through the sultry city to get to class.

Last night a transformer blew in the middle of my watching Amityville Horror on one of the cable channels and the electicity was out for ninety minutes on our side of the block. We were surprised it was only that long as the boom that we heard when the lights went out sounded like an exploded transformer. Weird. Too many air conditioners running I guess.

I have my second myofascial release class tonight, and I wish I could say I'm looking forward to it, but I think I'd rather curl up with a book and take a nap. Of course it really is too hot to nap even with the a.c. on.

I wouldn't have any qualms AT ALL about moving to a more moderate climate. I wouldn't miss the change in seasons one iota. I don't think I want to suffer through another summer here. And I've considered moving to Alabama - ha! Well, at least Alabama's winters aren't as ferocious.

C4 is going well. I've been getting busier, which is good, but it also feels like the calm before the storm in some ways. I won't know what a full case load feels like for another couple of months. Someone has been slacking on their agency vehicle duties and hasn't bothered to get the air conditioners fixed in some of the vans that we use on a routine basis. I used to be in charge of that...

Anyway, I need to get going I guess. I'm not sure why it has been so hard for me to blog lately. It could be the weather. It could be the fact that I feel sometimes like I've said too much already. It could be that I'm just too dang tired after a long day. Who knows?