Stultified

I haven't been proceeding in life lately. I've been more at a stand still. That's why I haven't been posting. Everything is fine, it has just been a busy week. I love being back at C4, but I can definitely feel the stress and strain of working full-time and going to school. I've regressed a bit lately too.

Dave and I just returned from Jewel with a week's worth of groceries which always feels good. This afternoon our friend, Greg, took us to another wonderful restaurant, Ha Shalom, an Israeli Moroccan place. I experienced marinated turnips and the best falafel I've ever had. After we ate we saw something ugly happen outside of the restaurant, but I don't want to write about it now. Maybe later. It is very upsetting and I feel that I should've called the police but I was too afraid to.

Helen still hasn't come home. She's getting her ultrasound August 10th. I haven't been to Tree House in a week.

Time to eat some chips and salsa con queso. Dave is chopping watermelon too. Yum.

Release Me

I had a fantastic class tonight - Myofascial Release. If I spent the rest of my massage career doing myofascial work I think I'd be satisfied. It involves VERY slow movements of the fascia - the connective tissue surrounding our muscles and organs. People get restricted in certain areas due to injury, stress, or even memories that the body holds on to. These restrictions can last for many years, and therefore if someone actually takes the time and energy to do deep work like this the results are amazing. I literally felt my hip "unwinding". It felt like it was being subtly stretched and unraveled like a piece of yarn from a sweater. I had a restriction on the lower left side of my back that has been there for years slowly melt away like ice cream.

Though this wasn't actually mentioned in class it was our first real introduction to energy and intuitive work, which I'm really interested in. Most of it involves listening, breathing, and leaving your ego at the door. The body you're working on takes the lead and tells you what to do to it. Since I'm a fairly intuitive person this stuff comes naturally to me. I want to master it.

Cranio-sacral work is even more subtle than myofascial and we have our first cranio class on Thursday. I think I'll love this the most. Both techniques were developed by the osteopathic school of thought and in other countries are practiced very regularly. Incredible things can be accomplished...

I'll tell you more as I learn more, but I need to practice on Dave tonight. I promised I would...

New Favorite Restaurant

Now that I've been completely vegetarian for the last few months my fave restaurant, a Guatemalen place called El Tinajon, has been replaced by Chicago Diner, where Dave and I celebrated our anniversary last night. The food is absolutely stunning for mostly vegan dishes. I had the "Summer Salad Sampler" which was three "chicken" salads served with pita bread. It doesn't sound very exciting, but the salads were seriously the BEST I've ever had. The chicken was substituted with seitan and tofu. One was waldorf, the other curry chicken, and the third was something with garlic and veggies. Tasty! Dave had a Thai dish with tofu and peanut sauce that was to die for. I couldn't stop eating his either.

Only one drawback to the meal: tofu gives me problems... Know what I'm saying? So I'm wondering what I can do about this. Does anyone have any experience with Beano? Does it work? I'm one of the weirdos that love tofu if it is prepared well, so I'm not about to give it up. Plus I need my protein!

Anyway, go to Chicago Diner for good eats with your vegetarian friends OR with your non-vegetarian friends who think that going veggie is boring. The portion sizes are HUGE and they just do things up really really well there. Have fun!

Special Day

Two years ago today I stood in one of the most beautiful places in the world (check out greenwoodpierinn.com) with the people I love most all around me, and vowed to love and cherish the man next to me until the day I died. It was the happiest, most surreal, most beautiful day of my life, and I don't expect to have another like it.

Dave Dever and I knew we loved each other from the moment we met (in a smoky bar in Ravenswood), and have never stopped loving each other. I'm so thrilled that he is in my life, and I adore the time we've had together. It has been the most trying, yet satisfying and wonderful two years of my life so far.

I don't know how I can go on without getting totally cheesed out, so I won't, but will close by saying that I've never regretted my decision to marry this man for one second, and he is the love of my life. I am fortunate and blessed.

Two Angry Zits

I have two angry zits on my forehead. They are competing with each other for attention. One is smack in the middle, right above my third eye, the other is slightly to the right and above the first one. I decided that one stands for stress and the other stands for ill health. They are trying to tell me something.

There isn't much we can do today in the Fakes/Dever household. It is hotter than Hades outside so it is a walk-around-in-our-underwear-day. The cats are passed out on the floor and we are drinking iced coffee (the humans, not the cats, though the cats have ice in their water too).

I'm feeling sorry for people without air conditioning. I couldn't function. I just couldn't. I'd rather be put out of my misery than have to function on a day like today without air conditioning. I have a low tolerance for pain and an especially low tolerance for extreme weather.

I'm anxious to start work tomorrow. It'll feel great. I already have the box that I had packed to move out of my office re-packed and ready to take back to work! I'm looking forward to having my own desk again with my postcards surrounding it. I also have little black and white Harrison figurines that I made out of sculpy to set on my desk.

Once I can get back into the swing of things at C4 and have my health benefits again I won't have to feel as stressed or unhealthy. Hopefully my angry zits will be gone before then though.

Helen Update

Another reason things are less than ideal right now is that we still don't know the status of Helen's health. This morning one of the clinic staff found Helen in the Development office with bloody puke all around her. She stopped vomiting, but when I arrived at work today, my last day at Tree House, poor Helen was in a cage again looking very sad and lethargic. She does have an ultrasound scheduled for next week - Tuesday or something, but we don't know what this vomiting thing is about. I'm more determined than ever to get her home, but she needs to be stabilized first.

Spiritual Overhaul

I need a drive-through spirituality garage. I need a tune up here, a surge of radical thinking here, some easy truths, some definite morality, and a self-flagellator for repentence. Seriously now, I'm either going to start attending daily local cult meetings or I'm going to travel the country saying the "Jesus Prayer" over and over like in Franny and Zooey. I'm lost I'm lost!

I can't be Lutheran. I grew up Lutheran. I can't be Catholic. I am pro-choice and too feminist. I can't be any other mainstream religion, because if I were I'd have to choose Lutheranism because it would be too hard to start from scratch with anything else. I've tried Buddhism - I can't meditate for hours on end, and I kill snails and mosquitos. I don't like paganism because their art sucks and some of them do weird shit like animal sacrifice. I've tried throwing myself into yoga. It isn't enough. I need more human interaction - or is it less? I don't know.

Why do I have this need? Why does anyone? We all do, though. Some of us join PETA. Some of us devote our lives to animal or human welfare. Some of us overly indulge in addictive substances. Some of us convert. Some of us like church. Others can't hack it, but can't hack being a member of any other group either, but STILL NEED THAT SOMETHING. Some of us ignore that we need anything and live in our heads. Some of us see the world in black and white and live by our own strict codes of ethics. Some of us live through art because if we were faced with too much practicality or responsibility we would seem to ourselves deficient. Some of us become "radical" feminists or leftists or communists or something radical because if we didn't we wouldn't have anything else would we? We wouldn't know who we were.

I know I'm rambling and probably upsetting people so I'll stop now.

Business Planning

Shit. Okay, this is probably the biggest stressor in my life right now and the cause of my non-functional day yesterday. It's all about a stupid, fictional business plan that I have to write for school.

Funny how one little assignment can send me, a Cancer, into complete mental breakdown.

I've been in Professional Development 3 class for about two months. It is all about starting a business and/or having all of the information necessary for being hired by someone as either an employee or sub-contractor. We've had a ton of information thrown our direction - everything from how to do market analysis, to income statements to the difference between sole propriotorship, LLCs, C Corps, and S Corps.

Apparently I've been sleeping through this class. I've totally tuned it out because it isn't interesting to me AT ALL. Our final project involves writing an actual business plan and I've been putting this off for weeks. I turned in a rough draft, which was only 2 pages. If I do a thorough business plan the end product should be about 10-15 typed pages.

In class on Thursday our assignment was to do a financial statement for a business. This is when my breakdown started. I don't do math or numbers, and I don't do money either. I was supposed to team up with my classmate, Nate, and write this thing with him. Emmanuel, our teacher, was our "consultant" and we had to pay him for advice. Well, I had no clue what the f__k was going on so I turned into baby mode, started pouting and spouting off about how much I dislike this class, why I will never open my own business, and how disappointed I am in my classmates for never coming to class. Nate was there, but Kelly didn't show up for another hour.

I really believe that my mood has a deep dark effect on people. By the end of class Emmanuel was so frustrated with us he left. He came back 5 minutes later to apologize, but still...

So not only was I upset about the class, my black mood brought everyone around me down also, so then I was dealing with the guilt of that. I apologized to Emmanuel after class.

I've decided to tackle this business planning thing. Since it touched a very deep nerve with me I think it will probably be an awesome growth opportunity if I just buckle down and do it. Dave and I are going to buy a piece of software next week - Biz Plan Pro or something like that to help me. It will do all of the math for me.

I'm going to make this plan sort of for real. I'm going to call my massage business either "Under My Thumb" or "Past Tense". What do you think? I'm having a hard time choosing. I'm going to start off as a sole propriotor and then maybe turn it into an LLC or S Corp at some point. It will be solely outcall at first, but then after a year I hope to open my own practice in a store front.

Right now, though, I have a lot of work to do. I need to do some research and I need to get a rough idea of what I'm really tackling here. I was looking at sample business plans on-line last night and they are EXTREMELY detailed. Sigh. Yuck. Whatever. I just have to do it.

Non Day

I chose not to function at all today. I didn't go to work, shower, get dressed or anything. I didn't even eat until 8:30 p.m. I just existed. I existed on the futon with the cats. Obviously I'm not doing too well. I'm not sure what it is. I guess it is a combination of school stress, starting C4, leaving Tree House, and dealing with our awful financial situation which won't improve until I go back to work.

I guess everyone has such days, but this one was particularly bad. I'm feeling a little better now, however, and I'm sure tomorrow will be better yet. I hope so.

Starting C4

On July 25, Monday, my wedding anniversary, I go back to work at C4. C4 stands for Community Counseling Centers of Chicago. I worked there for over five years and left in October to pursue other interests. Luckily the pursuing other interests part did result in my enrolling in massage therapy school, attending open life-drawing sessions in my neighborhood, volunteering, and working for an ice-cream parlor, a veterinarians office, and Tree House Animal Foundation. So I really think I needed the sabbatical, but its time to go back.

Going back has led to some anxiety and may be the cause of my extremely vivid and disturbing dreams as of late. I guess the fact that I'm returning kind of feels like defeat in some ways. When I worked at C4 we used to joke about the people who were "lifers", those who have been there for years and are probably never leaving. At the case management level, my level, it was especially joked about because most case managers either quit after a couple of years or go to grad. school to get their MSWs, PsyDs, MAs, or what have you. In short, we don't stick around long. The reasons for this are: pay, the stressful nature of direct care, and the fact that most people do wind up returning to school to further their education so that they can have better paying jobs.

Now I was one of those oddball people who actually really loved my job, didn't find it as stressful after a time, and was totally satisfied with the salary, benefits, and vacation time. (By the time I left C4 I had about three weeks of vacation time per year!) However, I always felt the pressure to DO SOMETHING ELSE partly because that's what my colleagues were after, and partly because I really did want to do something else.

Three years ago I applied and was accepted into Adler School of Professional Psychology's PsyD program. Around the same time Dave and I leased an awesome studio space on Ravenswood, about a block and a half from our apartment. Well it didn't take long for me to realize that I could never go back to school for a lengthy period of time (the PsyD program was 5 years) because I wouldn't be able to paint. So I decided not to attend Adler that fall.

I stayed at C4 as a case manager with no plans to pursue psychology or social work because I wanted to paint. This left me feeling stuck after a while because I didn't feel as though I had the energy to create like I wanted to due to my full-time work load, but I couldn't exactly leave my job either because I needed the income in order to keep my studio. Well as you know I did decide to leave, I had to move out of the studio, and I've realized that I absolutely need that income in order to function properly. Dave and I both need it.

To make a long story short, I'm happy to pursue massage school, I have mixed feelings about going back to C4, and I'm very anxious to get our finances back on track by having a full-time job with benefits. My art will have to wait a little bit longer.

Procrastination

This blog should be called "Procrastinate With Cara". I think that perhaps this is what I'm really doing when I'm writing in this thing! I slept in today - 10:30! I'm still tired after having a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a half a glass of iced coffee. I haven't showered yet, and I'm just not motivated to do so (oh god, that's really awful isn't it?). My body is even conspiring to make me not study for my Anatomy 2 final tomorrow! I feel groggy, achy, and my head hurts a little.

I have a chapter on the reproductive system to read and a five-page list of comprehensive review questions to answer. Ugh. I really love Anatomy, but it involves SO much memorization!

On top of studying, the kitchen has become messy again, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and I have loads of stuff to dump into the Gaia boxes sometime today. The cable guy is coming too so I probably should at least get dressed for that.

So should I do housework first or study first? I think I'll study first and then during my study breaks I'll clean. Boy does that sound like fun! I don't think I'm going to enjoy real days off until I'm out of school.

Yoga/Territorial Cats

About four years ago I started going to Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Center on Bryn Mawr in Chicago. I took the first two yoga classes, so I was consistently doing yoga for a couple of months. I don't think I've ever felt happier. I quit smoking and I learned that my body is much more flexible than I had originally thought.

As time passed I didn't keep up with the yoga. I did it at home every now and then, but not enough to really feel the benefits. Lately I've been trying to do a little bit here and there. I think that one of the reasons I don't do it regularly is because if I go through the entire session it takes about an hour and a half. That's a long time! So I've been shortening the sessions to about 35 minutes. This seems to work for me.

Anyway, I guess my point to this blog entry is that I need to exercise, yoga has typically worked for me, so I'm doing it again.

I'm a bit distracted right now because there are some territorial issues going on with the cats. Allie just came into the "middle room", Adat's room, and went into Adat's closet. Harrison is in the process of stalking Allie to get her out of the room, and Adat is all freaked out and worried. I guess I'll leave them to sort it out on their own. Ever since we rearranged the living room the cats have been staking out new territories. They are SO sensitive to environmental changes like that! Allie has been hanging out in the closets, Adat too, and Harrison has the run of the house it seems, though I've noticed that he has been staying out of the bedrooms for the most part.

Okay, so I meant to write about yoga, got distracted, and now you have to hear about the cats again. Sorry. I guess I'm feeling a bit scattered this morning. I have to work today and then go to class afterwards. Tuesdays are a bit too busy for my liking.

So I'll close for now.

Car Wash

Another sweltering hot day in the Big City. Hotter than Hades no doubt. It was a perfect day to get the car washed (which of course means that it will rain tomorrow). We went to the hand car wash on Damen and Bryn Mawr. It takes about 10 minutes for a wash, wax, and tire cleaning. AND it only costs $12.00. Totally worth it... You get to read the latest issue of Newsweek or any of the entertainment mags while you wait. Perfect.

The car looks like new, and can you believe it folks? I am still in organizational mode after a brief lapse last week! The kitchen is almost clean again, the car gassed, Mt. Laundry dwindling, and the litter boxes are scooped! I'm going to do another couple of loads tonight to get caught up. Just call me Ms. Domestic!

Oh, and I also cooked tonight - Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Peas - a staple meal of the Fakes/Dever household.

Helen is still not home with us, and I guess I've sort of been preparing for her eventual arrival. She saw the vet today and still has a heart murmur (sometimes they are misdiagnosed), and we still don't know the severity of it until she gets an ultrasound. They can't tell me when she will be able to get the ultrasound because they have to wait until several cats need it before they will schedule one. A vet has to come in with the machine. I could do it myself, but it costs several hundred dollars. Worst case scenario is that she has a serious heart condition that will require daily medication. I don't mind medicating her at all, but I do want to know how serious it is. Keep your fingers crossed for Helen! Hopefully it is just a minor murmur.

Tonight it is laundry, studying and reading for me. I'll probably sleep on the futon again tonight if it is too hot in our apartment. Our bed is too small when it is terribly hot. So much for our dinky window air-conditioner! I'm thinking a house with central air is sounding very very good for the near future...

Would I Miss This?

Late night in Kitty Moon, a smoky, very down-tempo, though recently re-opened and re-modeled bar in Rogers Park... There's a woman with buzzed hair and a blue tutu walking around. Another man is bald with red make-up down the right side of his face. He's wearing a suit. He calls himself "Mr. Fuckhead". The woman in the tutu is here with her husband, and they've both been trained in classical music in Russia, and have played in the Moscow symphony.

My co-workers are sitting around chatting, all looking good in their after-Tree House-hours wear. No one over-drinks. Coronas are only $3, but they are quickly replaced by water. The bar isn't crowded, and there's plenty of seating for all. I'm sitting on a couch next to Jenny who's taking notes on the performance of her boyfriend, Ollie. Ollie is singing about everything under the sun with his assertive guitar and a voice that holds it's own. He doesn't need a band for back-up. He's perfect as he is.

In between Ollie, there is Hillary, a 21-year old who writes poems about her life. She's young and cute up there, wearing her heart on her sleeve. Ollie backs her up with guitar.

After Ollie we leave. Both of us are feeling like we haven't lived here well enough. We don't do these things often enough. Our talent sits in our two-bedroom apartment amidst cables strewn about, and an easel that has had the same painting on it for eight months. Where are our groupies? Who supports our passions? There's one here, one there, no one knows each other, they just come over every now and then with concerns of their own.

I'm torn between wanting to live by my family and wanting to stay in a city with so many opportunities and so much diversity that one can choose to be as much or as little as they can. I tell Dave that we need family to bolster us. We are so alone here. He tells me that we need to learn how to live here before we can live anywhere else. He says maybe family should come to us since we typically show up for them. He's right. I'm right.

I bring up the concern about us both being so directionless. Wait, isn't that part of life? But what about the groupies? What about having something to believe in? Where does our energy go? Why can't it be more focused on one area instead of spread thin by all of our interests and not enough time? What do we really want? What do we need?

I guess it's time to start living more. Living in spite of all of the problems, and living confidently. Trying new things, bringing our passions to light, loving each other and our cats. Not being ashamed or feeling as if we need to conform to what "everyone else" has or does.

I just hope and pray that things will become clearer as time passes.

Heartbreaker

If you want to make me cry, force me to look at the Tree House Website's link to Petfinder.com. First click on adoptions, then you can get to petfinder. Meowza's picture is finally posted on there. Go look at his picture! Leah, if you're reading this please go to Tree House and adopt Meowza so we can keep him in the family! I still think I made the right decision with Helen, but Meowza is such a lover. Just look at how cute and perfect he is!

Old Dog Music

I came across this website this morning after receiving an invitation to go listen to my co-worker, Ollie's, band play this evening. http://www.olddogmusic.com I was extremely impressed with what I heard on his website. The gig is at Kitty Moon on north Clark St.

On the Upswing!

What an amazing day! Work was wonderful. I had a heart-to-heart with my supervisor who was SO understanding about my leaving Tree House. I was so grateful that she wasn't furious with me. She is a wonderful person and I will miss her the most. I'll still do volunteer work there, however, but I'll miss working so closely with Jenny.

I adopted Helen today!!! Helen is a beautiful girl with dark brown fur and a black dot on her chest. She has a "googly" eye (a term coined by a Tree House adoption counselor which refers to a pupil that is quite larger than normal) from a bad eye infection when she first came to Tree House. She also has a heart murmur, which is keeping her at Tree House until next week when they can do an ultrasound to determine the severity of it. She doesn't take medication for it now, but if it gets any worse she may need a daily pill. Helen has been in a cage for a year due to various medical problems - ringworm and the eye infection mainly. She kept getting ringworm because she was on antibiotics for her infection. Since ringworm is a fungus which is controlled by healthy bacteria in our bodies, antibiotics make one more susceptible. I LOVE her! She is an amazing cat with a playful and loving personality. She is so thrilled to be out of the cage she is a constant purring machine. She is currently hanging out in the adoptions office at work. I'm just anxious to get her home. She will do so much better in a home. I'll post pictures when I get a chance.

Also today I received a very lengthy e-mail from my second cousin, Karen, who has been posting on my blog. She gave me the gift of stories about the Fakes family, which I'm so incredibly grateful for. She grew up two houses down from my Dad in Jetmore Kansas so she obviously knows my family well. My Grandpa used to take her fishing when she was a little girl to give his sister, her mother, a break from motherly duties! Anyway, she sent me pictures too. I feel like I finally have a connection to people that I've always wanted to know more about. Of all of my family I probably know the least about the Fakes's. And what an interesting bunch we are!

I picked Dave up from work today, took him to Tree House to meet Helen, then we went home and napped! Now I'm drinking green tea and reflecting on such a great day.

I should probably mention that I think I finally got ringworm! At least I think it might be. I have little mosquito bite-like bumps cropping up in between my fingers. After I itch them a tiny blister develops. It isn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be and I'm treating it with Miconozole - an anti-fungal medication. I've learned more about ringworm. It is much like athlete's foot, in fact it is the exact same fungus. I guess it is hard for humans to pass it to cats, but easy for cats to pass it to humans. When I mentioned the fact that I thought I had ringworm to my co-workers today, everyone in the room said they had it too. So we compared ringworm rashes. Fun, huh?

So you see even though I contracted ringworm I had the perfect day. I can't wait to bring my new baby home!

Grumpy Again

I woke up this morning in a bad mood. I had bad dreams all night again - something involving a broken foot, problems between my mom and my in-laws, and something about my blog being read by people that I didn't necessarily want to read it. (This happens to be a real fear of mine which I'm trying to get over. I don't write about anything that I would worry about people reading, but I still feel shame about putting my feelings out there and the fact that they are accessible to anyone at all. I'm really trying to combat the shame because I believe that not letting my feelings flow has caused major problems in my life. This blog has really been therapeutic for me in this way and I intend to keep up with it as long as I possibly can. Still, the uncertainty and fear is there.)

My abdominal muscles are very sore, and I have cramps on top of that. I guess I'm sore from yoga yesterday, but yoga doesn't usually cause soreness in my abdominal region. Aches and pains add a nice flavor to an already grumpy mood.

Our house is becoming messy again even though we just did a very thorough cleaning and re-organizing. We are so hopeless at housekeeping. I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to keep up with the dishes or why our bathroom gets so disgusting so quickly.

I'm still stressing about the work thing. I'm scheduled to go in today and I still haven't talked to my supervisor.

We are still considering adopting another cat. I'm fairly sure that I'm not taking Meowza (he is just way too adoptable and I fear that he would try to dominate the other cats). However, I have fallen in love with another - Helen is her name. I would love to take her home, I just worry that I'm making a bad decision if I do. I hate feeling so indecisive.

So I know I'm complaining again, but sometimes I just need to let it rip. Thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll feel better after I talk to some people at work.

Still Anxious

I'm sitting here agonizing about what I'm going to write about in the blog today, and I realized that I'm STILL feeling slightly too anxious to function normally. Like I said in my last entry I don't feel like writing when I'm bummed for any reason.

Yesterday I gave notice at Tree House, and I didn't feel very good about it. I wish it could've worked out better than it did. I talked to the executive director, the one that hired me, but I didn't get a chance to tell my immediate supervisor because she wasn't there. I'm worried about her the most. I hate disappointing people, and I'm so afraid that she will be mad at me.

Out of guilt mostly, but also because I've been meaning to do it for quite some time, I took an hour and folded a HUGE mound of laundry that always sits in the hallway upstairs at Tree House. No one has time to deal with it, so I folded the entire thing.

So yesterday I moped around the house, couldn't figure out why I was in such a "mood", then I realized that I'm pretty down about the whole job thing. I still am, which makes it difficult for me to write.

I'm so concerned all of the time about what people think of me. I can't seem to let it go. I'm such a people-pleaser, and I can barely stand it when people are upset with me. This is a problem in my life, and it has led to other, more serious problems, I think.

When I was a child I never got into trouble in school. A couple of times I was mistakenly accused of something I didn't do, was punished by the teacher, and I was DEVASTATED. Later on in high school I think that I sought out trouble in more sinister ways in order to act out my anger at always feeling like I had to be perfect. Boy did I take that to the nth degree! The typical pastor's kid syndrome I guess.

As an adult I still fall into the thought pattern that I need to please please please. If I feel like I'm not being rewarded for this, then I believe that I subconsiously, again, act out my anger, but it usually gets misplaced and comes out in places that I feel it's safe to let it go - home for example - towards my husband, for example.

How's that for a little psychology first thing in the morning? And what's so great about blogs is that I can be totally selfish and write about me me me and it is perfectly okay. And if you don't like to read it then you don't have to! I could write about global concerns, which I sometimes do, but the truth is I'm narcissistic like everyone else and damnit this blog is going to be ME centered!

Okay I'm finished analyzing myself. I'm going to finish my coffee and stew.

Nervous

I don't feel much like writing when I'm stressed, angry, fearful, or sad. Today, I'm just a little nervous, but I'm finding it really hard to want to write anything at all. I'm giving notice at Tree House today. I'm going back to my Case Manager job at C4. I need to have good health benefits for Dave and I. I need more income, and I really need full-time hours. C4 can give me all of those, plus wonderful vacation time, and of course, weekends and holidays free.

This is the big change that I had mentioned earlier. I have very mixed feelings about going back to C4, but mostly I'm just grateful that they took me back with open arms. I did love that job, and I know it so well. I thought that I needed to move on from there, do art, go back to school, etc. and I did. I needed a "sabbatical" and that is exactly what I got. I'm now in school, still making art (though not as much as I want to be), and I consider my experience working at Tree House to be very meaningful and valuable.

I plan to continue volunteering at Tree House, and hopefully I'll be able to do even more of that now that I'll have my evenings and weekends free. I just hope that they aren't too disappointed in me or mad that I'm leaving. I hate giving notice at jobs! My heart is really in the volunteering I do for Tree House, not getting paid for stuff that I really don't enjoy like fundraising. I realize someone has to do it, but I'd actually feel better doing that kind of stuff as a volunteer.

So that's why I'm nervous this morning. I haven't planned exactly how I'm going to give notice, but I know I have to do it today. I wanted to do it yesterday, but my supervisor was off. The other thing about it is that I really really like my supervisor and I'm so worried that she will be mad or disappointed in me. I guess I'll have to take that chance.

Tonight I have class, which I'm very much looking forward to. It'll be good to focus on something other than work and home.

Cheer Up Miss Grumpy!

So I had a really nice time at the all-women's potluck. I whine about the silliest things, don't I? It was good to meet people my age or older, with unique jobs, married or not, pregnant or not, who all seemed to take a genuine interest in each other. The food was good too, and it was ALL vegetarian! There was this fantastic Jewish dessert thing with egg noodles, sour cream, cream cheese, and rum-soaked raisins. I can't remember the name of it, but I had about four pieces. One woman brought just cheese and crackers - a woman after my own heart - who hates to cook! I LOVE meeting people who hate to cook and aren't afraid to admit it!

After that I came home to a clean house. Dave had re-arranged the living room and dining room, and it looks great! I vacuumed and did the floors, and also continued on with my latest project - the kitchen, which I'm happy to say is almost done as well. I just need to clean out the fridge.

Today I work until 6:00, plan to pick Dave up from work, then we will go shopping for fish supplies in Skokie. We need to do some aquarium maintenance. We have five tanks currently running, all with fish, and only three of them are looking okay. The rest are over-run with algae, and all of the tanks need new filters.

I guess we've kicked into organizational mode. So good to do every once in awhile. I still need to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, and have one bag ready to go. It is much easier to do with the car :)

All for now, I guess. I'm off to work.

I'm a Shy Girl

I spent all afternoon yesterday soliciting art from people at an art festival downtown. The experience left me feeling very drained and annoyed. First of all I am NOT a saleswoman. I HATED selling girlscout cookies door-to-door when I was a child. It's even more difficult asking snooty artists to donate their stuff to a non-profit charity. I'm not saying that all of the artists were snooty, but there were quite a few that wouldn't give me the time of day. Bastards. Anyway, I'm not good at asking either. I started into my spiel and tripped over words, averted my eyes downward, and basically felt like an annoying slimeball for even being there with my little Tree House t-shirt and totebag. I did manage to acquire 4 pieces, which I think was quite an accomplishment considering.

I don't like meeting people. I'm hardly ever in the mood to strike up a conversation with someone I don't know. And I'd rather chew on glass than ask people in person for money or stuff for charity.

Today I'm going to an all-women's potluck that my friend, Leah, organized so that a bunch of cool Chicago ladies around the same age bracket could meet each other. I have to say I'm dreading it. I know it'll be a good experience for me, but I just feel so awkward and insecure around new people. ESPECIALLY women! I had the opportunity to invite another woman friend to come along, but I opted not to because then I'd have to go through the awfulness of introducing people, which I absolutely hate.

So I made a pasta salad, am currently gearing up with coffee and blog-writing, and I'm feeling grateful that this thing today is only a couple of hours. God bless Leah for organizing it. It is a great idea, and I'm sure it'll be fun. I just have my doubts that I'll actually meet someone that will be interested enough in me and I in them to continue our acquaintance past this luncheon. Pessimistic, I know. I'm just basing this on experience, and the fact that I seem to have a very difficult time retaining friends.

After lunch I have a long afternoon to look forward to. A little studying, reading, nap time, light cleaning, and loads, I mean LOADS of time to myself! I, the introvert, relish time to myself! So does Dave so we work really well that way. No social awkwardness for us when we're together. No sir. And if we're forced into meeting people together then at least we have each other in our positions by the wall! No wall to stand by in a back yard potluck, but maybe I can find a comfy position by the food table. I could feign illness or fatigue and park my butt on a chair by the food. What will be even better is if there is an animal there to spend time with. Dogs are always good for that.

Not So Sweet Home

Now I'm in Chicago getting ready to go to work. I came home last night and it looked as though a tornado had traveled through the apartment. Luckily it was just a husband with some time on his hands, enough to revert to his bachelor years. He decided to make the dining room, MY present studio space, into a temporary "listening room" for his hi-fi. Sigh. We ordered Indian food, I ate, and then I felt a little better Nothing like some ghee and samosas to lift the spirits!

I miss having so much space to roam around in like I did at my Dad's. I miss the peace and quiet and the cleanliness. I think in past lives Dave and I were well-to-do enough to have servants around to take care of all the practical things that we need: clean clothes, someone to dust and vacuum, a cook and a dishwasher, etc. At least Dave was the rich one. I was probably a native american woman living off the land, and not having to worry too much about what the inside of a house looked like.

Anyway, I don't have too much to write about, so I'll stop for now.

Home

I'm sitting here at my Dad's, sipping iced coffee, enjoying the silence, and I'm so TOTALLY dreading going home. I don't know for sure what it is... I guess the thing for me is this: home doesn't mean Chicago. It doesn't necessarily mean Alabama either, but it definitely isn't Chicago. I mean, it isn't as if I feel alienated there. In fact, Chicago makes me feel as if I fit right in with the rest of the population, liberal belief system and all. I love the diversity, the modes of travel, the whole city lifestyle...

The idea of home for me was really kind of smashed to bits when my parents divorced. Home never felt like home after that, and where should I call home? My moms? My dad's? My grandma's? Toledo? Celina? Lindsborg? Lodi? St. Marys? Dayton? Huntsville? Divorce happens, though. Shit happens. It is part of life. But shouldn't everyone have that sense of being home?

My Dad said that he never really felt like anywhere was home, even when he was a child. Maybe it's the same with me. I'm kind of an adventurer too. There are so many places I'd love to live. The west coast, the east coast, Canada, Germany, Africa...

I guess if I had to define home I would say that for me, ideally, it would involve more family around than just Dave and I. In fact, I'm starting to believe that Dave and I NEED to have some family close to us. Then the question, if we were to move is this: Where the hell do we go? Dave's family lives in Pennsylvania, and mine in Alabama, Ohio and Kansas.

It is so hard... I looked at old pictures last night of the Fakes family. This really made me think about home too, because they all grew up in western Kansas and when my Dad was little he was lucky enough to have a zillion cousins to hang out with. He knew all of them very well, and still keeps in touch with most of them. Though he never felt that Jetmore Kansas was really home he at least was able to experience the family thing while he spent his childhood there. He has a solid sense of who he is, where he comes from, and why he has chosen the path in life that he has.

My Great Grandma and Grandpa Fakes had eight children. I think only two of them are still alive and my Grandpa isn't one of them. The fact that I don't even know who remains alive is indicative of the fact that I never really knew them. I never even really knew my Grandpa.

Looking at the pictures made me realize that blood is SO important. I mean, I LOOK like these people, the Fakes's, with their high puffy cheeks, deep eyes, pouty mouths and the like. I wish I knew about every single one of them. Grandpa looks so sad in all of his pictures. He was an intelligent man, but terribly depressed during the latter half of his life. He was a janitor at the high school in Jetmore, and there are all of this pictures with him changing light bulbs and mopping the floors. Always with smile on his face, but I wonder what he really thought about his life. I wish I could have known him. I would have told him that it is all okay, that he needn't be sad. I wonder if his life would have been happier if he would have left Kansas as an adult. I have so many questions!

Anyway, I wonder if I would be as directionless and as hopelessly confused as I am if I had more family around me. I too feel a sense of place being around my Dad. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted. I have a cohort in life that holds much of the same belief system as I, loves the same things, and has basically the same temperament. I feel the same around my Mom.

These things may be too deep to ponder first thing in the morning. I have coffee to drink and a Dad to meet around noon today.

Down South

It is so hard to sum up my experience in Alabama so far in just a few paragraphs. It has been so peaceful here. I love spending time in my Dad's house. It is very large, beautiful and tranquil. I especially love the backyard, which is basically a forest with some rocks in the foreground. There are so many birds and other creatures. My Dad has some feeders in his yard, and the regular visitors include purple and yellow finches, cardinals, titmice (sp?), doves, and indigo buntings. We watch them through binoculars.

The mockingbirds are the most intriguing. I'm not used to hearing them in Chicago, and I think the sounds they make are so lovely. We hear them, but hardly ever see them because they like high places. Dad and I went on a walk this morning and listened to them.

Yesterday Dad took me on a walking tour of downtown Huntsville. We saw quite a few Antebellum homes, as they are all located in one particular area. Dad and I have always been interested in history and old stuff, so of course this was thrilling. I took pictures of every house. I'm afraid the pictures aren't as interesting as the actual experience and listening to my Dad tell stories. He has a wealth of information the history of the homes, who lived in them, why they are built the way they are, and why they are still standing.

The humidity here is stifling, but seems to make everything all the more lush. Everything is green, and the mountains are shrouded by mist all the time. The air feels clean and I feel refreshed the longer I'm here. Having family around to love makes all the difference also.

I had brief period of anxiety last night about money, being away from home, work, and other stuff, but it passed. Dad is at work this afternoon writing his sermon. Today was spent taking care of me - walking, meditating, studying, reading, and finally taking the time to post on the blog.

I still don't know when I'm going home. I'm really dragging my heels because I love it here so much and want to spend as much time with my Dad as I can. Duty always calls, however. We'll see what happens.

I love my new car, and look forward to having a car in Chicago again. I'm not letting it out of my sight! I'm never parking on Ravenswood again! It'll be nice to not have to worry about how I'm going to lug groceries and cat litter home, or how I'm going to travel to Ohio and Pennsylvania to visit our families.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have for now. It is different trying to write on someone elses computer. I'll try to post again before I leave.

Meowza Update

So Dave and I have talked about adopting Meowza (or Nimbus as he will be called if we take him), and if Dave likes him too then we're probably going to take him. However, today I started really waffling about him. I worry that he would try to be a dominant cat, and I can't have another dominant cat because that would cause problems in the whole feline hierarchy that has been established here at home. It is hard to tell because Meowza is currently caged in the iso wards so it is hard to tell how he will really be with other cats. I know he likes other cats though. He always wants to meet his neighbors in other iso cages. I might have to see how he does on the adoption floor.

Then there are two others: Renata and Rollerball. Their pics are actually posted on petfinder which can be accessed through the Tree House link on my blog. They are both shy girls in the socialization program. They both like other cats, but are quite timid with humans unlike Meowza. They are very dear sweet girls who love affection, but just aren't 100% sure about humans yet. I wouldn't have any dominant cat issues with these two. The worst that would happen is that Harrison would pick on one of them, but he doesn't stalk or bite or anything. Rollerball is so named because she is too shy to let you pet her on her face so she sticks her rear end in the air, meows and purrs loudly, and kind of rolls around once you start petting her. Renata is just a petite little cutie pie. Go look at their pictures!

Dreams

My dreams are so crazy! I've always been a dreamer, but sometimes I feel TORTURED in my dreams. Like my psyche is trying to get back at me for something. It probably is! Anyway, last night I dreamt that I was going the wrong direction on the brown line after school. The train turned into a bus and on the bus was a beautiful gray cat, that turned a rusty brown color in the sunlight. Then he turned into a dog that kept trying to kiss me (which I didn't want to do because he had vomit on his face)! Well at the last stop on the "brown line" I got off the train/bus because I needed to get back on another headed the opposite direction. I saw a grocery store that happened to have dog food right by the door. The bags were open because they sold it in bulk so I took a handful and put it into a plastic bag with the intention of leaving right away. Then over the intercom it was announced: "Would the lady who just stole the dog food come into the store and speak with the manager?" I motioned that it was just a tiny bit, that I wanted to feed the dog in the bus, but they told me that I would get arrested if I didn't hand it over. So I did.

In my next dream I was visiting this family - a typical nuclear family and the kids were teenagers. So the dad was a bit of a jerk and kept starting fights with the mom. All of a sudden the teenage boy grabs an axe off of the hearth (?- why there was an axe on the hearth I don't know) and starts swinging it around the house. He kept kitting furniture, but the person he was really after was his father! He finally hit his father and accidentally hit his sister too. The left side of his father's face fell because the top of his head was wounded so badly, but oddly enough he was okay enough to speak and walk around. The weird thing about this dream was that I was somehow there but not there. I knew what was going to happen before it happened, and for some reason I couldn't do anything about it.

So you probably thing I'm completely nuts, and to tell you the truth sometimes I feel that way when I wake up in the morning. I mean, this is a typical night of dreaming for me, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. This was what I dreamt this morning right before I woke up. I don't remember what I was dreaming the rest of the night, but you can bet it was equally as weird. Some people don't remember their dreams, and I have to admit sometimes I wish I was one of those people. I take some medication that can make dreams more vivid, but I dreamed like this before I started the medication.

Well, at least it makes for strange/interesting blog material, right? It is kinda fun to write about a dream while it is still fresh in the mind. It kinda helps to dispel the anxiety that I feel when I wake up from such dreams. Anyway, it can be fodder for all kinds of creative stuff if I would so choose! I think I'll opt to not give my dreams that much credit, though. A doctor once told me that they are the result of the brain's garbage disposal. I think that I really shouldn't give too much credence to them because if I did I might have an even harder time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. I'm a daydreamer too! I don't need more confusion!